How did I fracture?
I have no intention of bragging here. None. I need to list these things to better explain how I arrived at a point where this blog was necessary for my well being.
I am by nature multifaceted in my "offline life" (to the exstent that that exists). I work regularly as an actor. I teach meditation classes. I am a professional personal support worker. I have developed and implemented teenage homeschooling opportunities. I am quietly working on a musical project. My partner and I are currently taking care of 7 cats. I was a co-founder for an internet startup which, despite its lack of success, raised $200,000. I am currently building a vegan food service with two other people. In my life-that-is-not-at-all-digital I feel fine being all these things. But as soon as I want to use the internet to develop my "brand(s!)" or expand "my market(s!)" my sense of self is fractured. I can't post as all of these "people." I have to pick one and play that role. Doing this unconsciously for years began to make my online sense of self an anxious experience. Online living had become so second nature to me as a "millennial" that this had all happened without my awareness. So then. May my full awareness now arrive, and continue to pour itself into the cracks between my selves. Let's see what happens.
The interaction between these digital selves is so often one of criticism! One self vs another is such a common dynamic. Yes, there is often collaboration. But because I have to have a Facebook page for one, an Instagram account for another, different intentions and impulses behind each Facebook post...it cannot be just me. Or perhaps it can. Perhaps that's what I'm after with this blog. I'm not sure yet how plausible this is, or if what I'm seeking is even imaginable from my current state of awareness...
Posting this link and that picture! Proving themselves! Refining their brands! Whomever shall I begin with?
Let's go with The Thinktivist.
A burst of inspiration came when he read someone else's Facebook post about capitalism. He felt strongly that the line of thought in the posting was spurious. So, as he likes to do, he began to formulate a line of thought he felt to be more conducive to understanding the nature of capitalism as it currently exists.
"Why does The Activist boycott certain products and companies? Why is that even necessary?" The Thinktivist thought to himself. With great satisfaction this is what he posted.
The other selves have contemplated this post and it's implications.
Spiritual Being was not so much interested in the post as he was with The Thinkitivist resisting pride and an imbalanced desire for attention. He felt that this post contained some helpful truths but that it should be released into the world and allowed to make its impact without The Thinkitivist's oh so common attachment to outcome and to changing the way others think.
The Artist felt inspired by the imagery surrounding the concept of the "disinform-inform" dynamic. He may develop something from this.
Of course The Activist sees great benefit in the implications of this post. Especially because it justifies his choice to boycott a growing list of products and companies while seeking out options that are in alignment with bettering the world or at least reducing harm.
This was far too serious for The Jester. He prefers silence until the right time to create or share laughter presents itself. He chimed in with this post last Wednesday.
The absurdity of advertising is a common theme for The Jester. He sees most advertising as desperate, borderline childish pleas for money and attention. This post had the most support from The Thinktivist and The Activist. The three of them have each had different notions about creating and posting "anti-ads," an ambition that has admittedly been squashed by the fractured sense of self currently being explored.
There's so much online activity emerging from me all the time that I cannot write about it all. But I can say that I feel less anxious, less tense about the contradictions inherent in posting as one of many individuals. I am finally starting to sense the kind of relationship I want to have with my online identity/ies. It's only a glimpse. But it's exciting. I want my full, unified sense of self to be behind everything I do, even if each post is under the guise of a certain "brand identity."
The online world has forced us, especially millennials, to become brands. Because any of us could potentially "go viral" we're all operating under the pressure and excitement of this wonderful collective creation where we raise certain ideas up and celebrate them while others range from niche explorations, to being rejected or ignored. But not maliciously, or selfishly, because there are too many of us creating the online experience for capitalist notions of individual promotion to rule.
Who are you online? I'm not sure yet but I'm working on it.
